the austrian man

the austrian man who locked his daughter for 24 years and sexually abused her and have seven children with her is JUST_DISGUSTING.

this is insane.

the strapless bra

i went to one of the stores in lambton quay today to buy a strapless bra - i never have one before because my mum is so convinced that there is no strapless bra my size and my mum always buy me my bras because i am too ashamed to buy one myself because i am afraid that the store might not have my size which is quite true because i know my mum always go to this store in mangga dua to buy my bras and once i went with her and the store owner didn't even ask my size because the first few words that came out of my mum's lovely lips were: 'i want the biggest bra for my big daughter!' and as a typical indonesian response in that sort of situation, all the people in the store started staring at me for three seconds and then started laughing in which my mum then went kiddingly innocent by saying 'yes i've told my daughter many times to lose weight gak tau nih susah amat ngurusin badan' and people started to look strangely at me between pity and disgust. i do not want to go through that sort of humiliation again, ever.

so god bless new zealand because in this country there are bras and strapless bras my size. even if my weight was still 26 kilos higher there is also bras for that size. so i was quite happy. there is this particular strapless bra that i like which price is equal to the minimum wage in indonesia. what is even more ironic is that the bra is made in indonesia. heck the irony of export-import.

i practically spent another 30 minutes there just to decide whether to buy the bra or not and with due respect to indonesia's minimum wage i decided to buy it because how can i wear a nice-fitted see-through kebaya without a strapless bra, and i never have one before, fair reasons no. and this bra - it was a nice one, it fitted perfectly. although the cup is a wee too big. i think my boobs are also shrinking due to weightloss. seriously if i do ever reach my ideal weight, my arse and boobs will be like, vanished, i am flat as an ironboard.

so i walked to the cashier and holy smolly the cashier was a guy. it's the whole humiliation thing again but this time it was just me and my ridiculous fear of what-ifs. what if the guy who i don't even know thinks 'hah this fat chick is buying a strapless bra mhwahahaaha', what if the cashier guy thinks that i don't deserve a strapless bra. long story short i didn't buy the strapless bra. it is crazy how our fear can control our action.

i mean, why should i care at the first place. I DON'T EVEN KNOW THIS GUY. but at that point inside the store, i did care. i fear his perception of me (the fat chick). i fear the possibility of being humiliated (which is quite unlikely because my mum wasn't there with me). i fear that i can't stand the feeling of a stranger seeing the size of my bra.

this is one of those times when my self-confidence hit rock bottom. i should not kid myself - I AM STILL FAT. there is a huge volume of fats inside my body that needs to be shed. but now i am a much happier and healthier person. and yes sometimes reality hits me, and occassional ridiculous fears do strike. i do really need to know how to master my fears however. and bounce back.

i am going to go back to the store tomorrow and buy that strapless bra.

things to do while in jakarta

it is still sixty-something days left before the trimester break to jakarta and i have figured out already what i want to do there. i am perfecting my to-do list each time before i sleep every single night - especially if i can't sleep. my brain works best for stuff like this.

things to do:

1 - go to bersih sehat
2 - go to malls (asians make the best malls ever - tacky yet addictive)
3 - have my hair done (another smoothing)
4 - have my hair cut
5 - have my eyebrows plucked
6 - see my nutritionist
7 - eat cow's brain, cow's lung, cow's tripes anykind of offal
8 - eat sundanese food (at that laksana restaurant which makes the best sambal, sundanese make the best sambal ever)
9 - savour poke sushi (poke sushi IS an institution!)
10 - eat congee and lots of congee
11 - eat satay (javanese make the best satay ever)
12 - visit asean secretariat
13 - visit inaya (and her soon-to-be newborn baby
14 - visit my nutritionist
15 - buy DVDs at mangga dua
16 - s.h.o.p
17 - make dinner for the family (mhwahahaha!)
18 - drive without having to worry of speed limit :p
19 - catching-up with the bestfriends
20 - play with nduty with language only i and ade and nduty understand
21 - indulge cable tv
22 - watch E! everyday
23 - accompany mum shop fabrics and gold and learn the art of haggling from her excellency
24 - buy a new sony ericsson earphone
25 - have lunch with dad near/in his office whenever possible
26 - jog/swim regularly to sustain the weightloss
27 - watch local tv also and figure out what this roncar ad is all about
28 - make a kebaya (why for independence day of course, and for other indonesia-related events)
29 - buy a nice dress for hari raya
30 - have afternoon naps with mum
31 - more etc.etc.

i am broke (feat. help me mommy)

all these backpacking trips
and gourmet dinings
and autumn-wear shopping
do cost me quite a lot

i don't really check my account balance regularly
afraid that it might get fewer
and fewer everyday

but something inside me say:
of course it will get fewer
as i shop almost everyday

spending money
is one of my vicious circles in life aside
from overeating and self-deprecating

but something inside me say:
of course it will get fewer
as i shop almost everyday

whooppssie
how come i am now owning so few!
it is time to live on budget

but how
but how
tell me tell me how
but how
but how