the strapless bra

i went to one of the stores in lambton quay today to buy a strapless bra - i never have one before because my mum is so convinced that there is no strapless bra my size and my mum always buy me my bras because i am too ashamed to buy one myself because i am afraid that the store might not have my size which is quite true because i know my mum always go to this store in mangga dua to buy my bras and once i went with her and the store owner didn't even ask my size because the first few words that came out of my mum's lovely lips were: 'i want the biggest bra for my big daughter!' and as a typical indonesian response in that sort of situation, all the people in the store started staring at me for three seconds and then started laughing in which my mum then went kiddingly innocent by saying 'yes i've told my daughter many times to lose weight gak tau nih susah amat ngurusin badan' and people started to look strangely at me between pity and disgust. i do not want to go through that sort of humiliation again, ever.

so god bless new zealand because in this country there are bras and strapless bras my size. even if my weight was still 26 kilos higher there is also bras for that size. so i was quite happy. there is this particular strapless bra that i like which price is equal to the minimum wage in indonesia. what is even more ironic is that the bra is made in indonesia. heck the irony of export-import.

i practically spent another 30 minutes there just to decide whether to buy the bra or not and with due respect to indonesia's minimum wage i decided to buy it because how can i wear a nice-fitted see-through kebaya without a strapless bra, and i never have one before, fair reasons no. and this bra - it was a nice one, it fitted perfectly. although the cup is a wee too big. i think my boobs are also shrinking due to weightloss. seriously if i do ever reach my ideal weight, my arse and boobs will be like, vanished, i am flat as an ironboard.

so i walked to the cashier and holy smolly the cashier was a guy. it's the whole humiliation thing again but this time it was just me and my ridiculous fear of what-ifs. what if the guy who i don't even know thinks 'hah this fat chick is buying a strapless bra mhwahahaaha', what if the cashier guy thinks that i don't deserve a strapless bra. long story short i didn't buy the strapless bra. it is crazy how our fear can control our action.

i mean, why should i care at the first place. I DON'T EVEN KNOW THIS GUY. but at that point inside the store, i did care. i fear his perception of me (the fat chick). i fear the possibility of being humiliated (which is quite unlikely because my mum wasn't there with me). i fear that i can't stand the feeling of a stranger seeing the size of my bra.

this is one of those times when my self-confidence hit rock bottom. i should not kid myself - I AM STILL FAT. there is a huge volume of fats inside my body that needs to be shed. but now i am a much happier and healthier person. and yes sometimes reality hits me, and occassional ridiculous fears do strike. i do really need to know how to master my fears however. and bounce back.

i am going to go back to the store tomorrow and buy that strapless bra.